Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.

A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches."

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Dancing

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.

Boy: What are the two things?

Girl: Your feet.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good catholic man and would never dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel while the driver sat in the back.

They were travelling down the road between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called to the headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: 'Who is in the limo, the mayor?'

The policeman told him: 'No, someone more important than the mayor'

The chief asked: 'Is it the governor?'

The policeman answered: 'No, someone more important than the governor'

The chief finally asked: 'Is it the president then?'

The policeman answered: 'No, someone more important than the President'

This made the chief very angry and he shouted: 'Now who could be more important than the president?'

The policeman calmly whispered: 'I'll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.'

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'

The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'

The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

Exam

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.

"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

Boy or Girl?

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

The Ring

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure," replied her lover. "What's your phone number?"

The Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

A man visits the doctor.

The doctor says "I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease".

The man replies "Well, thank God I don't have cancer!"

Passenger announcement:

“The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.”

The Tree

A policeman stops his car over a lonely road and approaches the

lady driver.

'Madam, is there a reason why you’re weaving all over the road?'

The woman replied 'Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here, I almost had an

accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved

to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the

right and there was another tree in front of me!'

Reaching through the side window to the rear window the officer replied

'Madam, that’s your air freshener'

'Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade'

'Don’t panic, I'm coming immediately, have you done anything yet?'

'Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.'

He was so dumb that he was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power

went out.

Cream

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Automatic Pilot

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

The River

A man comes to a river and sees another man on the opposite bank.

"Yoohoo" he shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

The other man looks up the river then down the river then shouts back:

"You are already on the other side."

'Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me - I just cant stop my hands shaking!'

'Did you drink a lot?'

'Not really - most of it spilled out!'

The Pizza

A man ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces?

“Six please”, the man answered, “I could never eat twelve pieces”

Spelling

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman,

complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident, body parts everywhere.

He is making his notes of where the pieces are when we comes across the

head. He writes in his notepad, 'Head on bullevard,'

and scratches out his spelling error, 'Head on bouelevard' Nope, doesnt

look right, scratch, scratch. 'Head on boolevard..' damn! scratch,

scratch. He looks around and sees the no one is looking at him as he kicks

the head. 'Head on curb'

Spots

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

He was so dumb that when asked what the capital of California was, he answered "C."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says:

'Sir, I couldn’t help but notice you’re eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?'

The man gets really indignant and says:

'Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?'

Painting

A man arrives home and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He rushes over and says, "Darling, are you all right?"

She slowly nods her head yes.

"What are you doing?" he asks incredulously.

"I wanted to repaint some rooms”, she answers.

"Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asks dumbfounded.

"Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."

On a road a policeman pulled a driver over and said:

"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the driver replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

The Sign

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

The Letters

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am

$tudying hard. With all my $tuff I $imply can't think of anything I need,

$o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear

from you.

Love, your $on

Reply from Dad..

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh

to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of

kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh

Love, Dad